Don't lose sight of the 2 when you become 3

We knew from the beginning that we would start having kids pretty quickly. When my wife and I started discussing our wedding and marriage after we got engaged, we both agreed that children was something that be both wanted quickly. It was not because of age or any sort of time restraint; it was simply that we both were ready to be parents.

"We were ready to be parents..."

About three months in to our marriage, she discovered that she was pregnant. We were not really that shocked considering we had actively been trying, but nonetheless, it was still an excellent (almost) Christmas present. We could have tried for years with no luck so I think what we felt was relief more than anything.

Now, for any men reading, let me just say this: pregnancy is when your wife will really start needing your help, not just after the baby is born. Was my wife's pregnancy especially difficult and troublesome? Not really. Was all smooth sailing? Definitely not. Between an aching body, early-pregnancy sickness, and 90-degree days in the summer, my wife definitely had her own challenges; I tried to do everything I could to help.

If I have one single piece of advice for any man trying to be there for his wife, it would be this: do NOT take it personal. Pregnancy is non-stop state of crazy hormone fluctuations, and if you think you are having it rough, trust me, her day was worse. Now, I am not saying my wife was bad (because she wasn't), but I will say it is probably hard to be patient, loving, and kind 100% of the time when you don't even have control of your body. Believe me, anything said that is directed towards you is not really about you; just give her a break for these months.

The point of this article, however, is not to talk about the complications of pregnancy because when the baby finally arrives, that is the true beginning of the work that needs done. Babies are needy and complicated in their own way. I mean, think of it this way, all those things we take for granted like eating, breathing, talking, and sleeping, all need to be learned, and this world is much different from where they just spend the last so many months.

With that being said, those needs to be met by someone, and that someone would be a parent. As parents, babies rely on us for everything from clean diapers to a full belly, and these needs are time consuming. The best part about it is that you get to do all of this on minimal sleep. Like most babies, our daughter needed to eat every couple hours the first few months which also includes the middle of the night. That leads to a lot of broken sleep, exhausted people, and slightly shorter tempers.

Little B is now 4 months old and full of smiles.

Now that our little B is 4 months old, so much has changed, but yet, so much still remains the same. She eats a lot less frequently, and most nights, we only have to wake up for one feeding. She spends most of her days smiling, not crying, and she can be distracted (and fascinated) by the littlest of things. However, the amount of attention she requires has increased, not decreased. Instead of constant feedings, she enjoys constant playing. Instead of ample time spent on diaper changes (which we still do, don't worry), we spend ample time on our belly and learning to sit up. Her naps are less frequent, but, because she might miss out on something fun, she does not enjoy them like she used to. We worked so hard to make sure she was developing well that we created a 4-month-old that seems to be going on 16-years.

As you can see, as much as we love our little B more than anything, she does require a lot of time and attention. All of that attention has to be pulled from other things, and mostly, it gets pulled from the relationship between my wife and me. Who has time for conversation, cuddling, or even dinner together when you are trying to raise the perfect little human? The sad thing is you will reach a point where you feel like roommates and not spouses; my wife has said that to me on more than one occasion.

However, when we hit this point is when we had our first real breakthrough as parents and spouses.

We poured so much love and attention in to this baby in hopes of being the perfect parents and raising the perfect child. We soon realized how foolish it was to think this way. We are never going to be perfect, and she may never be the "perfect" child. We were struggling to connect with each other because we were trying to connect with B. Rather than view ourselves as one family unit, we viewed it as each of us trying to "work" on this one little individual.

Man, were we doing things wrong.

When I look at us now, I see the progress we made. As a family, we are a team. We all play together as a family, and nighttime routines are a team effort. Our little one has developed this strange of independence where she gets mad if you don't lay her down to play on her own. We can have a meal together while she plays beside us rather than taking turns eating. We are learning that our bonding with each other is just as important as bonding with her; our best spent moments are bonding together.

The most challenging and rewarding job in the world is parenthood.

It took us reaching near exhaustion and constant frustration with each other to realize we were fighting the wrong fight. We should not have been fighting each other over our struggles; we should have been fighting what made us struggle, together. I am no expert on parenting, marriages, or families, but I simply relay what I have learned trying to raise our beautiful girl while maintaining a healthy marriage. Never lose site of how you got there, and never forget to keep working on the relationship that helped create your family in the first place.

P.S. As we start working on "sleep training" our little "angel", I will let you know how well this works in the future ;)