From Daddy to Daughter

Berkeley Louise

There are so many things I was not prepared for when you arrived. I was not ready for the exhaustion I would feel when you couldn't sleep. I was not ready for the irritation I would feel every time your mom and I would argue when you couldn't be settled. I was not ready for the fear I would feel the first time you had a high temperature. I was not ready for the jealousy I would feel when you seemed to want your mom instead of me. I was certainly not ready for the sadness I would feel the first time you genuinely cried. Above all, I was not ready for the anxiety I would feel trying to make you the happiest baby in the world.

However, even with all of that, there was so much more I was not ready for. I was not ready for the joy I would feel the first time you smiled. I was not ready for the excitement I would feel the first time you rolled over. I was not ready for the laughter that would come the first time you found your voice. I was not ready for the amusement I would find watching you "talk" to Cali. I was not ready for the pride I would feel the first time you would reach for me to pick you up. And, more than anything, I was not ready for the overwhelming love I would feel every time I think about you.

The truth is, my beautiful baby girl, there was no preparing for who you are or how much you would change my life. As I look at you, I think of how I could not imagine my life without you. I could not imagine life without those big blue eyes that you got from your pap-pap or that cheerful attitude that you got from your grammy. I could not imagine life without watching you learn things so quickly like your nana or seeing that thick, wavy hair that you got from your pappy. My life is infinitely better because of your stubbornness that you got from your mommy and that temper you got from me. Every part of you, from the good to the bad, is what makes this life better, and I was not ready for that.

As I watch you learn to talk and to eat and to move, I think of all of the things we have been through together. I think of the nighttime feedings that part of me wishes would go away, but yet, part of me loves those moments together. I think about your nightly bath with your "crocogator", and how much pride I will feel when you can bath yourself but also the sadness I will feel when you no longer need me. I think about our morning play time that part of me wishes you would still be sleeping, but part of me wants us to always have that time together. More importantly, I think about all of the milestones you will reach from holding your own bottle to learning to crawl. There is a part of me that cannot wait to see you grow up, but there is a part of me that feels intense sadness of my baby girl growing up.

If I have learned one thing in the six months of being your daddy, it is this: I will never be ready for anything. I was not ready for your tears, your fevers, or your fears. I was not ready for your smiles, your giggles, or your cuddles. Day by day, I learn just as much from you as you learn from me. There will come a day when I will not be ready to let you go, and that's okay. For now, I will settle for not being ready for all of the little moments we will share together. I may not be ready for all of the things you will throw my way, but I will always be ready for the love between us that comes with each one of them.