It's okay to be a parent with anxiety

I read an article the other day that really caught my attention. On Mother.ly (I will post the link if I can find it), the author discusses what it is like to be that parent that has anxiety about a clean house. As they mention, people always say that those things won't matter when you have a baby, or if it does matter, you will regret the moments missed by worrying about a clean house. Unfortunately, like the woman in the article, there are many people that cannot simply overlook the clutter, and regardless of if you think those moments will be "missed,"it is not as easy as just moving past them.

I really enjoyed the article because I think it is often overlooked how the anxiety of clutter is not so easily moved past, but I also think that the author stopped short of addressing and resolving the real issue:

Anxiety does not go away when you become a parent. It will always be part of who you are, and that's okay.

Many people, including me, struggle with anxiety about everything. Thoughts like "Is my house dirty?" or "Am I going to be late?" are more than just passing troubles to someone with anxiety. These are simple thoughts that can be crippling to me; I have had my heart race over the simple thought that my house was not vacuumed for over a week. It is these very feelings that compel me to do things right when I think about them, and being told, "Can't you just do it later?", only amplifies the issue at hand.

As a parent, you will hear that "some things are more important" as if these feelings are no longer valid because this little human exists. This is like being told that if I sit my daughter in her swing for five minutes so I can wash the dishes I can't get out of my mind, that I am suddenly prioritizing them over her. By feeling compelled to keep my sanity, I am now missing out on key moments spent with her.

Excuse me?

Look, this is more than just about cleaning. Do I take a few minutes away from her to clean up a little? Of course I do. I need to. However, I also leave my house early in the morning to take her to the babysitter because I am terrified of being late for work. There are more moments lost. But, the important thing, I never leave too early because I don't want the babysitter to think that I am avoiding spending time with her. I have to find that sweet spot; the wrong balance scares me.

We love to take our little girl out in public because we love for people to see her and for her to see people. For me, it is also about people not thinking we avoid taking her out. My biggest fear? Her crying in public because then people will think we are bad parents. Unfortunately, I also get anxious when she cries at home because I feel like I made a mistake. What if I am not being a good parent, and this is the evidence?

As a parent with anxiety, doctor's appointments are the worst because what if she isn't growing like she should? The doctor could tell us she is gaining too much, not enough, her head is flat, she isn't reaching well, or she is not holding her head up well enough. Also, what if she cries for a long time after shots? Are the workers going to think we cannot comfort our daughter because we do not give her enough love to be comforting?

Anxiety is horrible, but it gets even worse when you have another little human that fully relies on you. But, guess what? It is okay. It is okay to be a parent with anxiety. It is okay to embrace who you are and still be a good parent. My daughter greets me all the time with the biggest smile on her face; I know she thinks I am doing a great job (even if I am not perfect). I have stared her for what felt like hours before, and I know that I have given her all the love I can. If I let her play alone for 5 minutes so that I can clean, she will be okay. If I leave a little earlier to make sure I am on time, I know she will not care.

The truth is, I have learned to embrace my anxiety, and it has become a part of me as parent. My fear of her being behind on head lifting caused me to do a lot of tummy time when she was younger; she now can hold her head up as long as she wants to without fussing. My anxiety about her being behind in mobility makes me work with her on crawling every night as well as supporting her as she walks about the room. She gets the biggest smile on her face as we make our laps.

Anxiety is life-altering enough on its own; why do we demonize parents that struggle? Why do we judge someone that chooses anything other than spending every single second with their child? No, some of us don't stop caring about schedules and clutter when our baby is around. Guess what? That's okay. It is okay to be a parent and be yourself. I know I am not a parenting expert, but I do know that you can still be you as a parent. You may not "stop caring" about your anxiety, but you can sure as hell start to own it.